Ilusionist Life

Life,

The one thing everyone want’s,

Though definition and things people search in for differ. Even though we seek money, family, awards, love, entertainment, sexuality, etc but underlying current of what we seek is life, in its all diverse ways . . .

In my life, my attempt has been to live it with humour and giggling joking happy way. I always wanted to make sure in life that whatever I do, I simply enjoy passionately whatever it is. I get so lost in those things, that everything else disappears, etc.

When I was in college, I had this course called Statistical Communication. I loved the maths of it so much, and also the expressiveness of prof, that I almost could predict at times the answer of question just before  asking the question itself, by Professor MV Joshi. I simply enjoyed it like a theatric performance. My marks were also 19/20, 20/20, 5/5, always full marks. So I had discovered at outflow of what I am capable of, by this absolute involvement. This involvement repeated itself in so many ways. Even today, I can teach Signal processing like a movie, without boring anyone, non-stop 12 hrs. . . That’s how I was involved. . . .

It felt at that point that I don’t want to lose this big aspect of my life, and as compared to that level of involvement, nothing else matched my experience. As so did happen, even after getting an Internship, I left it, and gave a Gate, reaching IISc Bangalore.

By now, the level of understanding I had gathered was immense. I had grown from the boy to a keen observing man. In a series of experiements conducted by me, I tried to search for something which I can make my life.

Emotions, were amongs’t the first, I took the most beautiful song’s and played it or some similar songs, again and again to feel it deeper, I could literally float on that song, But when intensity rises beyond a pitch, song in itself became a compulsion.

I experimented on Studies, I took some of the best lectures of Machine Learning by Andrew Ng, went on day in day out studying it for about 3 days, but even after exploring this dimension so long, I still felt strange, in terms of experience, after a certain pitch, you feel like transcending studies too.

I mean, imagine the amount of distain, you feel, if the thing you love so much, in itself, can’t get you beyond a certain pitch.

By all means, in my life, I concluded out with some golden truths in world, as I saw and listened unheard footsteps :

1. Even the most beautiful thing in the world has to go, today or tomorrow, everything comes with expiry date, and everything you can ever imagine operates in certain boundaries. so these endless plays of life, starts and ends and again start, endlessly. Don’t be foolish enough to not know this fact. . .
2. Life in terms of endless forms it can take, is boundless, but in terms of raising a form beyond a level, it still falls short. It is like a balloon, initially it is nothing, if you fill it till a limit, it retains form, but beyond a limit, it can’t hold, so the limited forms, life has to offer, cannot contain human longing for boundless, it can only be solaced, found stably in formless absolute inner all-inclusiveness life has to offer.

4. To get an initial push into life, sexuality, Explorativeness, Deep admiration, Frustration, sweetness of love or music, feeling of having power and authority, fame, fascination, all different things may help, but after a point, if you want to raise your pitch beyond a limit, the same things, will start seeming the limitation, staring at you. They are like parents, initially they grow you, love and praises help, but beyond a point, if they start cuddling you, become too attached, and they hinder the natural growth.So, all these limited ways, help initially, but beyond a point, it kills us, in terms of its inability by itself to go beyond a point.

I had almost become hopeless, felt like is there anything which I can ever be sure of, flow completely into? Nothing . . . .

As the time went, this nothing grew itself many folds, and simple absolute stillness, absolute uncolored, unreasonable involvement, (no doubt keeping the discretion and intuition) spread away all parts of my existence.

Now, when I listen, a beautiful song, I enjoy it no doubt, but it’s limitation also appears clearly to me, when I attend a fascinating lecture on number theory, I enjoy it, admire it, but I see through my eye’s, despite its strength to ignite, how it falls short to push completely, by itself, unless involvement raises to such a pitch that even that maths start’s dis-appearing. But in essence everything is involvement. And limited forms will get you to middle or even a little higher, but never the highest, your association with these forms, will pull you back again from highest level of involvement, back and forth, till you don’t understand the foolishness of your associating of your state to simply that object, rather than involvement.

So now when I listen a music, I do get involved it, but after a point, I do know, I have to leave the music also to raise the pitch of involvement long enough beyond threshold, in the calm ocean of stillness. Same is that with any other activity, be it studying, etc.

Music, meditation or any other medium, are like train, which leaves you till a point, but after that it is you who has to travel rest, by coming out of train (which keeps going from one world to another back and forth), and just sink into ocean by feeling that absolute stillness which is created . . . .

Then I realized, yes, I may use things(which are by its very nature limited). for some purpose, carrying an expiry date, but in effect, there is only one thing, which has no limit’s, simply boundless, that is uncolored, deeply calm and unruffled, yet massive like ocean kind of inner involvement

So, If you have not felt what I am feeling, either you haven’t lived intensely enough engaging in some activity, or haven’t raised it beyond a limit, not living in and out through that activity.