I thought, when I will do Btech,
everything will be fixed,
but rather it led to a larger hole,
I though If I need to really do
something,
I got to do research, and pursue
mathematics,
so I delved deep in oceans of
knowledge,
in probability, machine learning, deep
learning,
and alas when I knew basics,
the hole grew bigger and bigger,
the despiration rises by every success,
in becoming so many things I became,
helplessly stuck, feeling decieved,
and convinced about my conflict
and whole life passed by in,
these few impulses of acheivement,
and valleys of failiure.
People will say,
you need this/that to serve others,
do PhD, do Job, do XYZ,
and further, Big Job, Big PhD,
but truth is,
all gets fixed,
not necessarily in your ways, all the
time,
just what is needed is,
doing something,
but with conviction, that inherent composition of this piece of earth,
will always be same . . .
so what I do is mostly useless
learn to be serious, and well as
playful
learn to waste time too sometimes . . .
so that you become more open to
imperfections in life.
Along with periods of nightouts for
work or bursts of working phases,
so that you don't stop, keep going. and
don't stagnate . . .
but most importanly stay quite,
indifferent to the world,
so that thier rubbish, expectations,
opinions, restlessness, pressures, definitions of life,
don't step into you, as they do
normally,
notoriously without your permission,
and then traps you down,
bringing you back to square one,
by its ever-engaging, ever confusing
spell/charm,
wrapped by coating of seriousness or
sarcasm,
while ultimately creating one more
bigger hole alone. . . .
but in most cases, will make you end up
in situations,
where you get big names, or despirately
try to get big names on your side,
while actaully not moving a stop
forward or a step backward, nonstop rattling,
till thankfully, when death knocks the
door.
the failiure makes sucess more
tempting,
and sucess makes next sucess more
tempting,
but none the less nothing fills you,
accepting intermediate failiure in
course seems like drinking poison,
for one, who is sick with notion that
he is the top of the world.
For one, who mesures success by just
scale of social/life security, few marks,raises in job,
And that he is all perfect, and that he
can never fail,
but the one who learns to embrace, that
nature has both sucess and failure,
all sucess and hurdles as just two side
of same coin,
he/she becomes more open and grows
immensely in life,
suppose you are going to die next
moment,
what are you going to do about it,
you don't even know,
within a fraction, you will vanish,
where will your stories of sucess and
failiures go?
Where will all the relationships go?
Therefore, why not live life like life?
Addictions to success,failure or
anything,
will only leave you tranquilzied like a
pig,
you try 99 percent of time,
to avoid the inevitable, secure life,
rather had you left this quam of 99%
,embraced it,(not foolishly welcoming it, but accepting
vulnurabilities and impacts, and making your own notions in life
smaller than life itself)
everything would have been just fresh,
breeze of life,
So I tried to go deep into music and
arts,
I tried to get into music, listen and
feel them,
but alas found that the only thing
which stayed close,
were few rare, nearing to silence, rest
created larger and larger holes,
Fear of failiure is because there is
Chalice for Success
A false hope in disguise,
that sucess will fix everything
Ryt now I am in IISc,
and people say it is big thing,
but I know, that when I will,
if/when I will pass out of it,
what it will leave me with,
is a bigger hole.
Jobs, family, The whole world is filled
with dramas,
and you are made to think, everything
is important,
and that is how whole life passes by,
leaving you with bigger and bigger
holes,
unless death finally eats you up
totally,
I will try like any other creature,
to get good job, do something,
but like there is nothing perfect,
to accept imperfections in happening,
is most important moulding of growth,
Intelligence will keep eating you,
with its craving to know more,
be it relevent or not,
Emotions will paralyse you for years,
making you live in self guilt for
years,
while things were very simple,
you just had to accept it,
That there is no a good or a bad thing,
there is thin line between craziness
and insanity,
There is only life and life [qotd]
You and me live and die,
filling and creating holes,
but nature takes various masks,
playing it on, living it on,
but can't we play it different,
or have guts of keeping opinions aside,
and embrace meditative journey inside,
be brave enough to follow beat of heart
and head internally,
are we so dumb that we can't foresee,
what is going to come next,
and leave our anxiety, expectation,
work without any quams,
any fear of failure, (accepting
imperfections)
delve deeper in realm of nature,
beating it heart of life,
Just smooth, meditative life like any
other, imperfect,
vulnerable to life situations,
but perfect in terms of having no quams
or expectation,
regarding what is happening or going to
happen . . .
and yet doing it, with intend to serve,
but yet,
accepting imperfections as a part of
reality.
World glows and dims from time to time,
best you can do try to glow,
without worrying about dim phase,
and future . . .
It all starts with your pseudo
expectations with yourself,
and other's expectations about
yourself,
and you start caring about opinions too
much,
from fables of gods, to stripclubs and
social sexuality,
and then your life becomes living
burden,
burdened by every little think,
how smooth, how vibrant would it have
been,
had there been only efforts towards
best,
but without burdens of expectation,
knowing heart in heart, that
do what you want,
the nature of world will always be
triune,
mixed with all 3 colors, 5 elements,
killing itself with death, and entering
in life,
Sometimes I feel,
active silence, in terms distancing
intellectual expectation,
in terms of other aspects like
emotions,etc, is most important,
coupled with constant attempts of
growth,
with conundrum of imperfection and perfections of course,
Being in cradle of Life,
resonating to everything . .
