A bigger Hole

I thought, when I will do Btech,

everything will be fixed,

but rather it led to a larger hole,

I though If I need to really do something,

I got to do research, and pursue mathematics,

so I delved deep in oceans of knowledge,

in probability, machine learning, deep learning,

and alas when I knew basics,

the hole grew bigger and bigger,

the despiration rises by every success,

in becoming so many things I became,

helplessly stuck, feeling decieved,

and convinced about my conflict

and whole life passed by in,

these few impulses of acheivement,

and valleys of failiure.

People will say,

you need this/that to serve others,

do PhD, do Job, do XYZ,

and further, Big Job, Big PhD,

but truth is,

all gets fixed,

not necessarily in your ways, all the time,

just what is needed is,

doing something,

but with conviction, that inherent composition of this piece of earth,

will always be same . . .

so what I do is mostly useless

learn to be serious, and well as playful

learn to waste time too sometimes . . .

so that you become more open to imperfections in life.

Along with periods of nightouts for work or bursts of working phases,

so that you don't stop, keep going. and don't stagnate . . .

but most importanly stay quite, indifferent to the world,

so that thier rubbish, expectations, opinions, restlessness, pressures, definitions of life,

don't step into you, as they do normally,

notoriously without your permission,

and then traps you down,

bringing you back to square one,

by its ever-engaging, ever confusing spell/charm,

wrapped by coating of seriousness or sarcasm,

while ultimately creating one more bigger hole alone. . . .

but in most cases, will make you end up in situations,

where you get big names, or despirately try to get big names on your side,

while actaully not moving a stop forward or a step backward, nonstop rattling,

till thankfully, when death knocks the door.

the failiure makes sucess more tempting,

and sucess makes next sucess more tempting,

but none the less nothing fills you,

accepting intermediate failiure in course seems like drinking poison,

for one, who is sick with notion that he is the top of the world.

For one, who mesures success by just scale of social/life security, few marks,raises in job,

And that he is all perfect, and that he can never fail,

but the one who learns to embrace, that nature has both sucess and failure,

all sucess and hurdles as just two side of same coin,

he/she becomes more open and grows immensely in life,

suppose you are going to die next moment,

what are you going to do about it,

you don't even know,

within a fraction, you will vanish,

where will your stories of sucess and failiures go?

Where will all the relationships go?

Therefore, why not live life like life?

Addictions to success,failure or anything,

will only leave you tranquilzied like a pig,

you try 99 percent of time,

to avoid the inevitable, secure life,

rather had you left this quam of 99% ,embraced it,(not foolishly welcoming it, but accepting vulnurabilities and impacts, and making your own notions in life smaller than life itself)

everything would have been just fresh,

breeze of life,

So I tried to go deep into music and arts,

I tried to get into music, listen and feel them,

but alas found that the only thing which stayed close,

were few rare, nearing to silence, rest created larger and larger holes,

Fear of failiure is because there is

Chalice for Success

A false hope in disguise,

that sucess will fix everything

Ryt now I am in IISc,

and people say it is big thing,

but I know, that when I will,

if/when I will pass out of it,

what it will leave me with,

is a bigger hole.

Jobs, family, The whole world is filled with dramas,

and you are made to think, everything is important,

and that is how whole life passes by,

leaving you with bigger and bigger holes,

unless death finally eats you up totally,

I will try like any other creature,

to get good job, do something,

but like there is nothing perfect,

to accept imperfections in happening,

is most important moulding of growth,

Intelligence will keep eating you,

with its craving to know more,

be it relevent or not,

Emotions will paralyse you for years,

making you live in self guilt for years,

while things were very simple,

you just had to accept it,

That there is no a good or a bad thing,

there is thin line between craziness and insanity,

There is only life and life [qotd]

You and me live and die,

filling and creating holes,

but nature takes various masks,

playing it on, living it on,

but can't we play it different,

or have guts of keeping opinions aside,

and embrace meditative journey inside,

be brave enough to follow beat of heart and head internally,

are we so dumb that we can't foresee,

what is going to come next,

and leave our anxiety, expectation,

work without any quams,

any fear of failure, (accepting imperfections)

delve deeper in realm of nature, beating it heart of life,

Just smooth, meditative life like any other, imperfect,

vulnerable to life situations,

but perfect in terms of having no quams or expectation,

regarding what is happening or going to happen . . .

and yet doing it, with intend to serve, but yet,

accepting imperfections as a part of reality.

World glows and dims from time to time,

best you can do try to glow,

without worrying about dim phase,

and future . . .

It all starts with your pseudo expectations with yourself,

and other's expectations about yourself,

and you start caring about opinions too much,

from fables of gods, to stripclubs and social sexuality,

and then your life becomes living burden,

burdened by every little think,

how smooth, how vibrant would it have been,

had there been only efforts towards best,

but without burdens of expectation,

knowing heart in heart, that

do what you want,

the nature of world will always be triune,

mixed with all 3 colors, 5 elements,

killing itself with death, and entering in life,

Sometimes I feel,

active silence, in terms distancing intellectual expectation,

in terms of other aspects like emotions,etc, is most important,

coupled with constant attempts of growth,

with conundrum of imperfection and perfections of course,

Being in cradle of Life,

resonating to everything . .  

Smallness of Life

From hounds of dog,

To game of thrones,

a human can be looked,

as an animal,

who aspires for taste,

like a dogs, cats, and others,

he aspires for success and vastness,

as do other animals fight for their claims,

a little larger in scale,

a little grand in scale,

but in terms of experience,

a dog experiences same joy, maybe more,

in smearing a flesh, tasting a food, 

as does a human on going on a taste bud,

or establishing a supremacy, going up in position,

or breaking barks of sensual colors of life,

But then what is it, that makes a human different?

Infact he is inferior to animals, 

who go through thrills of life,

better than human, going

through ups and down,

Human being is not just the color,

but he feels it deeper, 

can experience another sense of intimancy,

of a tastelessness, of stopping of wheels,

of utter silence, amids the roars of life,

can just feel the smallest of color,

in smallest of things, by will,

can taste the colors of different flavour,

not like the beastily, but corrosponding 

to a tone of subtler realm, of some  

part of life, as if it is it's own part sometimes,

entering fields which may not be tastiest acc to immidiate bursts of pleasure,

but intense involvement of a different kind, ascribing no form,  not even of a colored emotion,

just sheer experience which one doesn't even count, rules internally, knowingly or unknowingly,

It is good to have colors,

in the most tough to good times,

it is good to do things enjoyingly,

but at the same time to be aware of them,

and have a distance of them,

because problem with human as said by wise is,

that he has his legs on both ends,

one in phantasmagorical creation

and other in source of  it,

you can get stuck up with one emotion,
for days, knowing it is wrong, but still,
can't getting it out of head, or one thought,
a problem,disease,etc which intrigues a hell out of you.

he can't live in creation infinitely,

because everything in world,

is tasty, sweet, suspenseful or loathful,

but still it is limited by the very form it takes,

and so to be with the source, and yet play the creation,

like a small play which comes and goes, for little while,

in vastness of time and space,

keeps bouncing here and there,

suspending the animation here and there. . .